Hadley Elizabeth

I apologize in advance for the ramblings of this post. I am trying to process the 2nd worst day of my life.

We have 4 children.

Something that we always wanted. We wanted to have 4 kids. Little did we know that we would have 2 on earth and 2 in Heaven. A heavy burden I would never wish on anyone.

For those who do not know, we had a loss in July 2013 before getting pregnant with Raegan. I was about 6 weeks along. After that loss our RE said that the embryo was probably unhealthy because of Kyle's diagnosis (story here), which is why IVF was our next step for our family. Fast forward to 2016. We have our beautiful babies from IVF, Raegan (2) and Hudson (9 months).

Then about 6 weeks ago Kyle and I were shocked with a positive pregnancy test. A naturally conceived pregnancy. I am never late. EVER. I knew I was pregnant. I had been feeling off so I took a test on Monday, September 18. It was negative. I don't know why I took a test. I know our chances of naturally conceiving were low, but I just couldn't shake the feeling. Well by Wednesday I was still feeling off and when I took it this time it was positive.

I was shocked. I went in for blood work and got the results back the next day. The levels were low so my doctor said to prepare for a miscarriage. We continued doing more blood work and the numbers continued to grow much to his surprise so we started getting excited that this might actually happen.

Our first sono showed a gestational sac and I was measuring 2 weeks behind where they thought I was. They weren't worried since this was a naturally conceived pregnancy. Maybe I just ovulated late. So we drew blood again. Blood work came back fine so we waited 2 more weeks for the next sono.

At this sono the baby had grown but the heart rate was low. They had me wait one more week for another sono. Unfortunately at that sono, our sweet precious baby was gone. They could see that my body was starting to try and get rid of the baby. A D&C was scheduled. With this being my 2nd loss it is time to find out why. Our first loss happened naturally so they were unable to send the tissue (I hate calling it that, it's my baby) to pathology.

I need to know. I want to know. Why do I continue losing these precious babies when they are naturally conceived, but can carry my IVF babies perfectly fine?

I knew not to get excited. I knew not to plan for this baby. I knew not to think of names. I knew not to plan what room they would be in in our new house. I couldn't help it though. This isn't just a lost pregnancy.

It's the loss of a part of our family. It's a loss of Hudson and Raegan's little sister. Even in the 10 short weeks that she was a part of our lives she made a huge impact. We weren't planning on getting pregnant. We didn't plan to do another IVF transfer until late 2017, but now I can't imagine life without her.

When I woke up on Friday the day of our D&C my Timehop ever so sweetly reminded me that 3 years ago that day we were having our egg retrieval for Raegan's IVF cycle.

Oh the cruel ironic of infertility.

I had received a box of Milestone pregnancy and newborn cards to document our sweet baby's life while she grew in my belly. I was looking through them this morning and came across the "Welcome home little one". I thought I'd be using this card at the end of my pregnancy, not the beginning, but never the less, I find comfort in knowing that Jesus is the one who is saying,
"welcome home little one" to our sweet, Hadley Elizabeth.

We love you sweet girl. Give your big brother a hug for us and we will see you soon.