Hadley Elizabeth

I apologize in advance for the ramblings of this post. I am trying to process the 2nd worst day of my life.

We have 4 children.

Something that we always wanted. We wanted to have 4 kids. Little did we know that we would have 2 on earth and 2 in Heaven. A heavy burden I would never wish on anyone.

For those who do not know, we had a loss in July 2013 before getting pregnant with Raegan. I was about 6 weeks along. After that loss our RE said that the embryo was probably unhealthy because of Kyle's diagnosis (story here), which is why IVF was our next step for our family. Fast forward to 2016. We have our beautiful babies from IVF, Raegan (2) and Hudson (9 months).

Then about 6 weeks ago Kyle and I were shocked with a positive pregnancy test. A naturally conceived pregnancy. I am never late. EVER. I knew I was pregnant. I had been feeling off so I took a test on Monday, September 18. It was negative. I don't know why I took a test. I know our chances of naturally conceiving were low, but I just couldn't shake the feeling. Well by Wednesday I was still feeling off and when I took it this time it was positive.

I was shocked. I went in for blood work and got the results back the next day. The levels were low so my doctor said to prepare for a miscarriage. We continued doing more blood work and the numbers continued to grow much to his surprise so we started getting excited that this might actually happen.

Our first sono showed a gestational sac and I was measuring 2 weeks behind where they thought I was. They weren't worried since this was a naturally conceived pregnancy. Maybe I just ovulated late. So we drew blood again. Blood work came back fine so we waited 2 more weeks for the next sono.

At this sono the baby had grown but the heart rate was low. They had me wait one more week for another sono. Unfortunately at that sono, our sweet precious baby was gone. They could see that my body was starting to try and get rid of the baby. A D&C was scheduled. With this being my 2nd loss it is time to find out why. Our first loss happened naturally so they were unable to send the tissue (I hate calling it that, it's my baby) to pathology.

I need to know. I want to know. Why do I continue losing these precious babies when they are naturally conceived, but can carry my IVF babies perfectly fine?

I knew not to get excited. I knew not to plan for this baby. I knew not to think of names. I knew not to plan what room they would be in in our new house. I couldn't help it though. This isn't just a lost pregnancy.

It's the loss of a part of our family. It's a loss of Hudson and Raegan's little sister. Even in the 10 short weeks that she was a part of our lives she made a huge impact. We weren't planning on getting pregnant. We didn't plan to do another IVF transfer until late 2017, but now I can't imagine life without her.

When I woke up on Friday the day of our D&C my Timehop ever so sweetly reminded me that 3 years ago that day we were having our egg retrieval for Raegan's IVF cycle.

Oh the cruel ironic of infertility.

I had received a box of Milestone pregnancy and newborn cards to document our sweet baby's life while she grew in my belly. I was looking through them this morning and came across the "Welcome home little one". I thought I'd be using this card at the end of my pregnancy, not the beginning, but never the less, I find comfort in knowing that Jesus is the one who is saying,
"welcome home little one" to our sweet, Hadley Elizabeth.

We love you sweet girl. Give your big brother a hug for us and we will see you soon.

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The Rainbow After the Storm

October is pregnancy/infant loss awareness month and today (October 15) is the day we honor all of those babies who were gone to soon by lighting a candle at 7pm in remembrance of them and leaving it lit for an hour. We will be lighting a candle for our sweet Petri tonight. Petri is the nickname Kyle gave our first baby. So instead of naming him/her after the loss, we kept Petri.

Even through the heartache of losing our first pregnancy, I can't help but thank God for his amazing plan when I look at our sweet Raegan. Our rainbow baby. Even through the heartache, there were blessing along the way. And she was definitely one of them.

What is a rainbow baby you ask? Rainbow babies are born after the loss of a previous child.

The heartache we endured from hearing we may never be parents, to getting pregnant on our own, to losing that baby, is something I never wish on anyone.

But it was during that time that God was working in me. I will admit I was angry. Very angry. How could God take away the 1 thing Kyle and I had been praying for for so long?

It was the Infertility bible study I took in the fall of 2013 that really started opening my eyes to God's love for me. He hurt with me. He mourned with me and not once did He leave my side. He had a plan and a reason for all of it.

I realized that God was using our story to help encourage others and bring glory to Him. This little blog of mine has become such a sweet place for me. Telling my story and sharing our ups and downs along the way. In hopes that it would bring others hope and that they would find comfort and peace in knowing that the Lord has His hand in all of it.

Yes, now being on the other side it is easier, but the feelings of being right in the middle of it all are still so fresh and I don't think I will ever forget them.

I read a quote recently that has stuck with me.

It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with it’s aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

I pray for anyone who is still waiting on their rainbow baby. That they would feel the peace and comfort from God that only He can give. I understand your anger and frustration. So does He.

If you ever need someone to talk to or need prayer, please do not hesitate to reach out to me.

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Happy Birthday Petri

As I spent my day with Raegan and Kyle yesterday, I just had this uneasy feeling that I couldn't shake all day. It wasn't until I was laying in bed that I realized why I was feeling that way.

It would have been our first child's 1st birthday.

I remember this time last year remembering our sweet boy on his due date.

We don't know for sure if he was a boy, but we always felt like he was. Kyle nicknamed him Petri and it stuck from the first time he said it. Our sweet Petri.

I can't really describe how it makes me feel because we have our sweet Raegan now to ease the sting of the fact our first pregnancy ended in a loss, but even with having her, it still hurts.

Petri, we miss you every day and can't wait to meet you and hold you again.

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Where We Always Fall

Since we began our infertility journey, we have always fallen into the small percentage. 

Whether it was a good or bad thing.

30% chance Kyle's surgery wouldn't work. 

It didn't.

1-5% of getting pregnant on our own.

We did. 

20% chance of miscarrying.

We lost our 1st baby.

1 out of 2000 babies are born with an isolated cleft palate.

Our baby has a cleft palate.

1 out of 14,000 babies' cleft palates are linked to a syndrome called Pierre Robin.

Our baby has isolated Pierre Robin Syndrome.

1-5% chance of having another child with a cleft palate or Pierre Robin.

Only God knows.

I am scared out of my mind for our future children. We saw a geneticist for Raegan and they did genetic testing to rule out any other syndromes that go along with Pierre Robin and a cleft palate.

Her results came back normal.

They tell me not to worry.

But how can I not. Every time someone gives me the "chances" of something and end the statement with "but don't worry it's a small percentage," I can't help but scoff.

I believed what they said so many times and then we would fall into the "small percentage" yet again.

I try not to focus on all of the small percentages we have and may fall into in the future.

Because one of the best percentages we ever fell into, was the 60-70% chance of IVF success.

In the end, she is worth all of it.

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Due Date #1

At first I thought I wouldn't write about our 1st due date, but I firmly believe that God's glory will be brought from all that is lost and I wouldn't be giving God the glory He deserves if I didn't talk about this. Our story is a testament of God's plan for us and looking back over our journey, I wouldn't change a thing, even the heartache and loss.

We found out we were pregnant on July 21, 2013 and lost our baby on July 31, 2013. Petri's (that was baby's nickname) due date was this past Saturday, March 29. For days before Saturday, I thought about how I would feel when the day finally came. It's hard thinking about that baby. Even though we are pregnant now, that 1st pregnancy was such an exciting time for us. It was unexpected and exciting! So different from when we found out we were pregnant from IVF.

I should have been driving home from the hospital around now. I should be holding our baby in my arms. I should be giving him/her kisses on their adorable cheeks. I honestly never thought we would lose a child. After everything we had gone through and then to add a miscarriage on top of it? I was almost to my breaking point. I was angry. I was so angry. I felt like God had turned his back on me and for about 2 months I turned my back on God, but He never turned His back on me. He had a plan the whole time.

It wasn't until I started really thinking about it that it hit me. Our baby Reagan is due July 21, 2014. EXACTLY a year after we found out were pregnancy for the 1st time. God has always had a plan and this is just one more part of our story that I just have to smile.

I know that for us to be pregnant with Reagan now, our sweet Petri had to go to Heaven. Reagan was made for us and I can't wait to meet her, but I will always remember our 1st child. Without that baby, our sweet baby wouldn't be growing inside of me now.

I know when July 21, 2014 comes around this year, it will be one of the most joyous days of our lives just like July 21, 2013 was. I know our sweet Petri will be looking down from Heaven on the day that his (I always thought Petri was a boy) sister is born saying "It's ok mom. I'm here and I'm so excited for my little sister!" God brings joy through sadness and this is no different.

We love you little Petri and I sometimes can see you sitting in God's lap as he tells you all about us and we can't wait to meet you one day. I would be lying if I said it doesn't hurt knowing that I will never hold you in my arms, but I know you are in best arms anyone could ever have wrapped around them.

Love you sweet one.

**sorry for the random ramblings of this post. My heart is a mess of ramblings when I talk about our 1st pregnancy**

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Another Baby in God's Arms

I write this post with a heavy heart. Please first know, that our baby is fine. I don't want anyone to worry.

This post is for a family member who's baby went to join Jesus some time over the past few days. My cousin's baby was diagnosed with triploidy in December when they went in for their 20 week gender appointment. The happy day of finding out they were having a baby girl turned into the day that they would find out that their baby would not be able to survive outside the womb. Once all the testing came back and confirmed sweet baby's fate, they began to wait. The doctor's said she could pass before her due date (April 29) and she would have to be induced to have her or she would survive to her due date, be born, and pass away within a few hours or a couple days. Their prayer was that their sweet baby girl would be born alive so that they could meet her, but unfortunately that did not happen.

They went in for a sono and there was no heartbeat. I am heartbroken for them and I ask that you please pray for them. Pray for strength and peace during this trying time. Also pray for strength for her as she goes through labor. Nothing can be more devastating than going through the pain of labor and having nothing to take home. She has been so strong through all of this. She has never once been malicious towards me knowing that I was also pregnant. This will be their 2nd loss in the past 9 months and she continues to trust that God has a plan and will give them their baby. So if you have a spare moment today, please send up a quick prayer for them. Thank you.

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I just can't help it

When we got pregnant in November I didn't realize the emotions I would feel with a pregnancy after a loss. I lost our first baby on July 31, 2013 at about 7pm. I was getting ready to go to dinner with 2 of my dearest friends. I had been cramping since about noon and the cramping continued to get worse as the day went on. I had called my doctor's office and they said it was all normal and to call back if I started bleeding, which didn't start until 7pm. I was alone. Kyle was at work. I immediately called him crying so hard he could barely understood me, but he knew. His response to my cry was "I'm coming."

How could this happen? We had JUST shared the news with all of our family which is about 75 people! Both of our parents are 1 of 4 or 5 siblings so we have TONS of aunts and uncles and cousins. How was I going to handle telling everyone that I had lost the baby? Thankfully I had a cousin on both sides of my family that handled telling everyone and Kyle's parents handled his family.

I texted my RE (yes, he gave me his cell number if I ever needed anything, one more reason I love him) and he said for me to come in the morning for blood work to confirm the miscarriage and if the bleeding got worse to go to the nearest ER. I don't know if I should have ever gone to the ER that night. The pain got worse and so did the bleeding. It just wouldn't stop and every time I went to the restroom it was a constant reminder that my baby was no longer inside me. A miscarriage includes labor. Yes, it's alot shorter and not as intense because your body is not pushing out a full size baby, but it's still the same concept. Your body is pushing out what's inside you. It was very hard for Kyle to watch me lay there, obviously in pain, and he couldn't do anything. He kept asking if we should go to the hospital. I told him I was not going to pay money for them to tell me what I knew was already happening. I finally resorted to a vicodin. I knew what was happening and knew it couldn't hurt the baby that wasn't there anymore. I finally was able to relax and fall asleep.

The next 2 weeks included many blood tests to watch my HCG levels drop. Thankfully it only took about a week and a half for it to reach zero and I only bled for about a week. I had heard stories of women bleeding for 2-6 weeks and I couldn't bare the idea of being reminded of the loss. I was lucky.

This post was supposed to be about being pregnant after a loss, but I've never written about our loss. Maybe that will help me enjoy this pregnancy, because honestly I am scared. So scared that for the first 2-3 weeks of this pregnancy I was CONVINCED I was losing the baby. Thank the Lord that my RE and nurses were so understanding and let me come in many times for blood work and sonograms to make sure baby was doing alright, which it was, every single time.

I am tired of being told not to worry. Especially by people who have never had a loss. They just don't get that I can't help it. My body is reacting to the feelings it's hard before. The cramping I have now from my uterus growing and making room for our sweet angel are the same cramps I felt the night I lost our baby. Spotting I had on the day I lost our baby was the same spotting I had during weeks 6-8.

I try not to let it bother me, but women who have dealt with infertility and loss are very sensitive and I wish every person would understand that. I guess I can't expect that from everyone.

Every week that passes and every time I get to see our baby, I feel better. I pray that I'll eventually be able to enjoy the pregnancy, but for now, I just need people to cut me some slack. Stop telling me "not to worry", but instead tell me " I understand why you're worried. It's ok and I'm here for you".

Praying for peace.

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