Hudson's Birth Story

March 3 was the day we would finally meet our little guy. We had waited an extra week past Hudson's due date, but it was finally time to head to the hospital and get things moving. I had hoped to go into labor on my own, but that wasn't the case. More on why later.

We headed to the hospital at 7am on March 3. We got checked in, I changed, and got set up in our room. Was I nervous? Yes, but an excited nervous. I had done everything I could up to this point to insure a great labor and birth.

At 8:30am my midwife came in to chit chat about our plan. At first we had talked about using a balloon catheter known as the Foley Catheter to help me dilate in hopes of my body taking over and continue going into labor, but after checking me, my midwife said I was already dilated enough that the catheter wouldn't do much so she decided to break my water instead.

Well apparently I have water bags of steel. Like seriously. She could not get them to break completely and when she would break part of it there would be more of the bag bulging after it. So my water never really broke. It just leaked all throughout labor. This is also why I never went into labor on my own. Bags of steel right here. After "breaking" my water I was officially 4 cm dilated and ready to get the show on the road.

We began walking the halls, bouncing on a ball, and using a peanut ball to get labor going. It was slow going at first, but finally around 11:30am things started to pick up. Contractions became more intense and I wasn't able to talk through them. We called my doula and birth photographer and they both headed to the hospital.

Contractions continued to get more and more intense. Around 1pm Kyle and my sister headed out to the waiting room to eat lunch. Shelly (my doula) stayed with me and I swear as soon as Courtney and Kyle left, things really picked up. Contractions were strong and my tone completely changed during them. We thought for sure I was making progress with the way the contractions were going. They checked me and I was still 4cm. Discouraging doesn't even begin to explain how I was feeling. Hudson was descending, but he was coming down at an angle, not straight down, which was causing me to not dilate, but the intensity was kicking up hard and quick.

At this point I was on my side in bed laboring with a peanut ball and we decided to change things up. I got in the shower and used the shower heads to get relief on my back. All of my contractions were in my lower belly, back, and below. Having relief on my back was exactly what I needed. I labored in the shower for an hour with Kyle sitting there holding my hand, then my doula and nurse said I needed to get out so we could keep labor going. Contractions were starting to space out and we needed to keep the intensity up to hopefully make progress.

We tried a few new positions and things picked back up. We were trying everything we could to get Hudson to rotate and be straight head down. He was also partially sunny side up, which attributed to the back labor.

Very intense contractions paired with nausea and I was starting to consider an epidural. I had always said that I was open to an epidural, but wanted to have time to labor before getting it. I was getting so tired and needed to lay down. I laid on my side in the bed and continued laboring.

Hudson really needed to rotate so that he could start descending correctly, so my doula tried a position during 1 of my contractions that was so painful I couldn't take it anymore. That contraction ended up lasting a few minutes compared to 1 minute. I lost it. Tears of frustration stained my cheeks. Barely half way there and I couldn't do another contraction. I asked for the epidural.

I finally received the epidural around 3:30pm. It took some time to get it adjusted to where I was comfortable, but once they did, I could get some much needed rest. After getting the epidural just right they checked me and I was at 6cm.

I slept off and on through out the next couple hours and the epidural did exactly what we needed it to. I relaxed and my body continued to progress. It was nice to just hang out for a few hours. Everyone hung around and we talked when I wasn't sleeping.

 I looked at pictures and videos of Raegan. I missed my little girl so much, but knew she was in good hands while we waited to welcome her little brother into the world.

We even made a fun little bet of how much our sweet baby boy would actually weigh. I love having this picture to look back on. I still can't believe how big he was.

By 9:30pm I was 10 cm and my midwife told me the amazing news that I was going to get to push. I looked at her and replied "really?" She said "yep you get to push." I immediately started crying. The dream of my VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) was going to happen. I had done it.

At 9:45pm I started pushing. There was still a lip of my cervix stuck on Hudson's head so Amy (my midwife) tried to push it over his head during my contractions.

I pushed for about 30 minutes when Amy looked at me and said Hudson's heart rate was sky rocketing and we needed to do a c-section. She wasn't sure if I would need to push for 30 minutes or 3 hours and it wasn't something she was willing to risk for my VBAC. I completely agreed and I knew if Amy said it was time for a c-section, then it was time.

I was disappointed. I had made it so far and was standing at the finish line ready to push, but the safety of my baby was more important. I also had a 103 fever and it was time to get him out.

Nurses started swarming the room as they got me prepared. They turned up my epidural and wheeled me off to the OR. I was extremely sick during Raegan's c-section. I was very nauseous, but unable to throw up since I couldn't contract my stomach muscles due to the epidural. This time I wasn't sick because they made sure to give me meds to help with it, but I also was very sleepy and out of it. I couldn't barely keep my eyes open. I could hear everything going on in the OR though.

They brought Kyle in and he sat by my head. Holding my hand the whole time. My rock.

They got started and the pressure and tugging began. It was never painful, just uncomfortable.

At 10:43pm they pulled my beautiful baby boy from me and everyone exclaimed what a big boy he was!

And big he was. 9 pounds 12 ounces.

I heard a muffled cry, but not a full on cry. I felt Kyle's hand leave mine as he went to be with Hudson. Amy sat down by my head and told me that Hudson was having trouble breathing and they were suctioning him to get the amniotic fluid out so he could breathe.

Then I heard it. That beautiful cry. My sweet boy was here. 41 weeks of waiting and he was here. I never knew if being a mom was going to happen for me. It was something I always wanted. The desire to be a mom has always been a part of me, but I doubted whether it would ever happen. All of our waiting, all of our struggles, all of our heart break was worth it. God gave us the desires of our heart. Our son was here and I was a mom all over again.

The NICU team was there to check him out as well. When my water was broken that morning, meconium was found so the NICU team was in place just in case he had inhaled any, but he hadn't. Such a praise as I don't know if I could do another NICU stay after Raegan.

They began stitching me up and Kyle got to hold our son for the first time. He was wide awake and so alert. He kept his eyes locked on his daddy. It was love at first sight. A daddy and his son.

I was able to open my eyes for a little bit to see him, wishing I could hold him. I was so lethargic from the meds that I couldn't safely hold him until we got back to the room.

Once they were done, they transferred me back to our room. They let Hudson lay beside me in the bed as we headed back and once we got back and the meds started to wear off, I got to hold my son and nurse him for the first time.

He was a champ. He immediately latched and I couldn't believe how second nature it was to him.

Our family was able to come in to meet him and I loved seeing him be passed from person to person as they cried tears of joy and gushed over him. We were all so in love!

Even though my desire for a VBAC didn't happen, I wouldn't change anything about Hudson's birth. I did everything in my power to have the birth that we wanted, but in the end, a c-section was the safest way for him to enter the world. I couldn't have done the birth without Kyle, my doula, and my midwife. They were the best birth team a mama could ever ask for. They fought through labor with me, stood by my wishes for his birth, and helped me bring our beautiful baby boy into the world.

Thank you Elaine from Lane B Photography for sponsoring this post. Having a birth photographer was the best gift we could have given ourselves. Having these pictures will be something I treasure for the rest of my life. If you are in the Dallas area, I highly recommend Elaine. She captured Hudson's birth in a way that I will hold close to my heart forever. 

Be on the look out for a photography giveaway from Elaine soon!

Photography services were provided free of charge. The content here and opinions expressed here are all my own and were not swayed.

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To Regret or Not?

So the saying is so true.

Don't have a birth plan.

As soon as you start planning for how you want your birth to go down, that's when the exact opposite will happen.

As I sat in my hospital bed after we began my induction (something I didn't want to do, but ended up being necessary), my nurse asked if I had a birth plan.

Well yeah, I did, and I spent hours upon hours typing it up, but of course I left it at home. **cue irony**

When I told her this, she said, "honestly, you don't need it. because births will happen the way they are supposed to."

Boy, was she she right.

I wanted a natural birth.

Instead I was induced, had my water broken, had pitocin, had an epidural, and had a c section.

None of that was in my plan.

Here was my plan.

And I will tell you not ONE part of this birth I got. Not even breastfeeding. Which breaks my heart the most. Even though it's not because I couldn't produce milk. My sweet one's cleft palate doesn't allow her to. Praying she can after her surgery in October.

I have struggled with regretting how everything went down. Had a waited longer would she had come on her own?

After Raegan was born the doctor confirmed that she would not have come on her own no matter how long we waited. She wasn't descending into the birth canal therefore wasn't putting pressure on my cervix to dilate. Even though I've been told that by my doctor, I still can't help but feel guilty for not pushing for my "birth plan."

When my doctor came to check me at 9am, she ended up breaking my water while checking me and putting an internal fetal monitor next to Raegan's cheek to monitor the strength of my contractions. She didn't tell me this until after she did it. I think she knew I would have protested. And even though that did happen, I still love my doctor and trust her. And in the end she knew what she was doing.

After she walked out of the room I just started crying. I had already accepted I was having to do pitocin and induction, but was going to be allowed to move around the room and labor in other positions besides the bed. But once she had put that monitor on Raegan, I was told I had to stay in bed because if I moved around I could dislodge it.

Well that was the end. There was no way I'd be able to labor in that bed without an epidural for a long period of time. But I told myself I was going to give it my all and I did. For 8 hours I labored in that bed on high levels of pitocin without an epidural. At one point, I told my nurse I was getting up and I didn't care what she said. I had to labor in a different position. So she allowed me to labor on the ball for a few hours and it really helped the pain level.

Getting the epidural was something I wanted to strive to not do, but it wasn't the end of the world when I got it. I was always open to it. And even when I wasn't progressing and the talk of a c-section began, I wasn't upset because I knew I had given it my all.

But it was just the idea that I didn't allow my body to go into labor on its own. I know I know. She wouldn't have come on her own. But still.

My doctor is on board for a VBAC though. Thank goodness! Her only stipulation is that I go into labor on my own. She can't induce a previously c-sectioned momma. So crossing fingers I can go into labor on my own for one of my births.

Then there's breastfeeding. Ugh. I know Raegan can't breastfeed right now because of her cleft palate, but it still breaks my heart. I produce so much milk. Like enough to have twins! And I can't feed my baby in the most natural way. Yes, she is still getting my milk, but I want that bonding time with her. My body reacts to her. I start producing milk when she cries and my body is doing what it's made to do. But when she starts to cry and my body is doing what it's made to do, I have to go warm up a bottle. It breaks my little momma heart.

But in the end, my sweet miracle baby is here and who cares how she got here? Honestly. I do have lots of feelings of how everything went down, but I don't regret it. And I never did until talking to friends after she arrived.

All of the feelings I've had have been brought on by other moms who didn't agree with how I gave birth. Being told numerous times "you should have waited" or "don't back down from what you want" breaks my heart because it wouldn't have mattered. My baby was stuck in my hip. My doctor is a doctor for a reason. She knows what she's doing!

These days so many mommas judge other mommas for their choices of how they birth, how they feed their baby, what they feed their baby, and so much more.

Mommas, we must STOP! Each of us is the most perfect momma for our baby and we know what's best for our OWN baby.

The best thing you can do for a momma friend who didn't get the birth they wanted is say, "I know it didn't go down the way you wanted, but your sweet bundle of joy is HERE!"

Because in the end, that's all that matters.

And there's always baby #2 to try for a natural birth, right? :)

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Birth Story Part 2

**please be warned, this is a long post! I did my best to give the short story, but it was tough!**

After a long labor we finally had our little girl to hold in our arms! Within 10 hours though, our world was turned upside down. The pediatrician came in to do her assessment of Raegan around 11am and as she was looking her over she said the words,

Did they say anything about Raegan after she was born?

Um, no.

Raegan has a cleft palate.

Come again?

We have been through the ringer to have this baby. We had to do IVF. I went through 28 hours of labor, 8 of which were completely natural on pitocin, and it all still ended in a c-section. Nothing was going according to plan and now you're telling me my baby has a cleft palate?

I cried as I held her, saying over and over "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry baby." I couldn't protect her anymore. She was no longer inside of me, safe from harm.

The doctor said the birth team must have missed it when she was born because it was far back in her mouth and very small. She showed us with a light and there it was. A tiny little cleft that was literally tearing me up inside. She shared with us that it could be fixed with surgery once she was older.

I honestly don't remember much of what the doctor said after that. I just kept crying and holding her close. Little did I know this was just the beginning.

The pediatrician left and we shared with our family Raegan's diagnosis and knew it was just a small bump in the road. We had been through much worse before. We continued our day of loving on our baby. She got her first bath, Kyle changed his first diaper, and we put her in her first outfit.

But that evening around 5pm, Raegan had trouble breathing. When babies who are born caesarean, they sometimes have mucus in their stomach that was expressed since they didn't go through the birth canal. They had told us about this, but when my baby started gasping for air and started turning blue, I lost it. I still had my epidural in and couldn't move. My mom scooped her up and Kyle took the bulb syringe and started suctioning the mucus out of her air way. They cleared her airway and she began breathing normal again. We called the nurse and she came in and took Raegan to the nursery to be looked over.

After about 30 minutes, I called the nursery and asked them to bring her back to me. The nurse came in, but she didn't have Raegan. She shared with us that they found out she has jaundice and she would need to stay in the nursery overnight to be under the light. They would bring her to me every 3 hours to feed, but she would have to stay there for now.

Alright, cleft palate, and now jaundice. We have to be done right?

They brought her to be every 3 hours and we tried to nurse, but she wasn't catching on. Part of having jaundice is needing adequate nutrition to help your liver flush out the jaundice, but baby girl wasn't eating. So they had to put a feeding tube in. And protocol is if a baby needs more than 2 feedings through a feeding tube, they have to be admitted to the NICU.

So the next time I saw my baby that's where she was. I stood and cried by her crib side as she sat under the lights with a food tube in her nose.

Since Raegan had a cleft palate we found out she couldn't eat from a regular bottle or the breast because the hole in the back of her mouth wasn't covered when she swallowed. She needed to learn to eat from a special bottle that had a long nipple so that when she sucked from it, she would push it up with her tongue and the nipple would cover the cleft palate. But it was going to take time for her to learn.

She started taking small amounts and then she would need the rest of the formula given to her through her feeding tube. She would expend so much energy on eating that she was burning more calories than she was taking in. I was pumping every 3 hours and getting as much as I could, but my milk didn't come in until the day I left the hospital. So we had to supplement with formula until it did.

We continued working with her.

But Wednesday rolled around (my discharge day) and she wasn't where she needed to be, so we had to go home without her.

I walked out of the hospital without my baby. As we left another family was leaving with their baby. I lost it. I cried as we walked to the car knowing that we would be living at the hospital until we could take her home.

We had been home an hour and we got a call from the doctor. They were transferring our baby to a hospital that could adequately take care of her, Medical City of Dallas. This hospital they were sending her to was the best of the best and could help her more than the hospital we were at.

She had her first ambulance ride at a few days old. I rode in the front and arrived at the hospital. We got her settled and continued working with her. We met the doctor who would be doing her surgeries eventually to fix her cleft palate and met with the NICU doctor. He was very optimistic and expected her to only be in the NICU for a week or less. Being at the NICU at Medical City of Dallas was a big change. At Baylor Frisco, where she was born, we had our own private room in the NICU, but now, we had to share a room with another baby. It was very cramped. I wanted my baby out ASAP.

She was admitted to Medical City Dallas on Wednesday and we continued working with her on eating from her special bottle. 

She continued to get better and better and by Saturday she was eating her whole bottle without the need of the feeding tub, and the doctor told us, if she continued this for 48 hours we could take her home! As you can tell, Kyle and I were so excited at her progress!

Well girlfriend, stepped up and continued taking her bottles like a champ and we got to take our sweet girl home on Monday, August 3.

yes, they had to wheel me out in a wheel chair even though I hadn't been in the hospital for almost a week. Protocol apaparently.

She is continuing to eat like a champ and saw her pediatrician the next day. She had gained 3 ounces in 1 day! The doctor is pleased with her progress and we go back in 1 week to have our 2 week appointment.

We are enjoying having her home as we get used to being a family of 3. 

Raegan's first meal at home. Allie being a protective big sister.

oh those cheeks!

We see her craniofacial doctor (the doctor that will do her surgery to fix her cleft) today. Praying everything goes well and I will post an update once we know more.

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