Trying To Conceive

When Kyle and I got married we had a plan. Be married for a couple years, enjoy one another, travel, do whatever the heck we wanted, and then after a couple years, we'd have kids.

Looking back at my very naive self, I wish I could just put my hand on my back, and say "oh honey, if only it were that easy."

For some, it is. It is easy. They get pregnant on their first try or they weren't even trying at all. To those who have, I'm happy for you. No I really am. Because what we went through over the past 4 years is nothing I would wish on anyone.

It's hard. It's full of appointments, shots, invasive procedures, disappointment, loss.

When we started trying we knew we were ready to start a family. Like right then. We didn't want to wait. There was no messing around. I was going to try everything I could to help our chances. I took vitamins, I cut out caffeine, I ate healthy, used ovulation tests, and I even was taking geritol because a teacher at my school recommended it. See, I told you, I tried everything. 

Had I known about the Stork OTC, you betcha I would have been trying it too. No doctor appointments, no scans, no prescriptions, no procedures, more cost efficient than fertility treatments. Sign me up!

The Stork OTC is a uniquely designed device that you use at home to increase your chances of becoming pregnant.

It's available at Target in the family planning aisle. Target is even having a promo right now where when you purchase a Stork OTC, you get a $15 Target giftcard. Valid 6/4-6/17.

What an amazing product to try as you begin planning to begin or expand your family.

Want to win your own? Enter here!

Stork OTC Twin-Pack Giveaway

“This is a sponsored conversation from Mums the Word Network and The Stork OTC. All opinions are my own.”

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Hadley Elizabeth

I apologize in advance for the ramblings of this post. I am trying to process the 2nd worst day of my life.

We have 4 children.

Something that we always wanted. We wanted to have 4 kids. Little did we know that we would have 2 on earth and 2 in Heaven. A heavy burden I would never wish on anyone.

For those who do not know, we had a loss in July 2013 before getting pregnant with Raegan. I was about 6 weeks along. After that loss our RE said that the embryo was probably unhealthy because of Kyle's diagnosis (story here), which is why IVF was our next step for our family. Fast forward to 2016. We have our beautiful babies from IVF, Raegan (2) and Hudson (9 months).

Then about 6 weeks ago Kyle and I were shocked with a positive pregnancy test. A naturally conceived pregnancy. I am never late. EVER. I knew I was pregnant. I had been feeling off so I took a test on Monday, September 18. It was negative. I don't know why I took a test. I know our chances of naturally conceiving were low, but I just couldn't shake the feeling. Well by Wednesday I was still feeling off and when I took it this time it was positive.

I was shocked. I went in for blood work and got the results back the next day. The levels were low so my doctor said to prepare for a miscarriage. We continued doing more blood work and the numbers continued to grow much to his surprise so we started getting excited that this might actually happen.

Our first sono showed a gestational sac and I was measuring 2 weeks behind where they thought I was. They weren't worried since this was a naturally conceived pregnancy. Maybe I just ovulated late. So we drew blood again. Blood work came back fine so we waited 2 more weeks for the next sono.

At this sono the baby had grown but the heart rate was low. They had me wait one more week for another sono. Unfortunately at that sono, our sweet precious baby was gone. They could see that my body was starting to try and get rid of the baby. A D&C was scheduled. With this being my 2nd loss it is time to find out why. Our first loss happened naturally so they were unable to send the tissue (I hate calling it that, it's my baby) to pathology.

I need to know. I want to know. Why do I continue losing these precious babies when they are naturally conceived, but can carry my IVF babies perfectly fine?

I knew not to get excited. I knew not to plan for this baby. I knew not to think of names. I knew not to plan what room they would be in in our new house. I couldn't help it though. This isn't just a lost pregnancy.

It's the loss of a part of our family. It's a loss of Hudson and Raegan's little sister. Even in the 10 short weeks that she was a part of our lives she made a huge impact. We weren't planning on getting pregnant. We didn't plan to do another IVF transfer until late 2017, but now I can't imagine life without her.

When I woke up on Friday the day of our D&C my Timehop ever so sweetly reminded me that 3 years ago that day we were having our egg retrieval for Raegan's IVF cycle.

Oh the cruel ironic of infertility.

I had received a box of Milestone pregnancy and newborn cards to document our sweet baby's life while she grew in my belly. I was looking through them this morning and came across the "Welcome home little one". I thought I'd be using this card at the end of my pregnancy, not the beginning, but never the less, I find comfort in knowing that Jesus is the one who is saying,
"welcome home little one" to our sweet, Hadley Elizabeth.

We love you sweet girl. Give your big brother a hug for us and we will see you soon.

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Real Moms

A blogger friend of mine, Meredith, wrote a blog post that really struck a chord with me and she graciously allowed me to write a version of her post to fit what has been on my heart.

She is a twin mom and she wrote about how she's noticed lately twin moms' feelings of "isolation" have turned to a feeling of "superiority" to singleton moms since they birthed 2, instead of 1. How snide comments like "It must be nice to only have one..." or "You think that sounds like a bad day..." insinuates a twin mom is better, stronger, and more loving than other moms. (even if it wasn't intentional).

And I began thinking. The same thing happens with moms who had to take to infertility treatments to have their children {raising my hand}. Our feelings of "isolation" have turned to feelings of "superiority" since we had to endure so much to have these children. For many of us, we waited years and years to have a child. The longing and wanting of that child{ren} was and is strong. Stronger than anything we ever wanted. Possibly even more so than our naturally conceiving friends. 

I have sat silently listening to "friends" say terribly, hurtful comments like "Are you sure you don't just want to take 1 of my kids?" or "I totally understand how you feel. It took us 4 months to get pregnant." These comments hurt. I know they do.

But on the other side, I've also heard comments like "It must be nice to get pregnant in 2 months..." or "You think you had a hard time conceiving..." almost making it sound like we are superior to the moms who conceived naturally.

Please know, I'm just as guilty. Thinking, feeling, and saying the exact same things as my fellow infertile sisters.

No one doubts the difficulties we have faced. I've never met anyone who has heard my story and said that I've had it easy or they wished they could go through what we went through. No, they always grab my hand and give me a squeeze as if saying "I'm so sorry". These gestures and comments drive some women crazy, but I don't think we're allowed to have it both ways. 

We can't get upset at someone for making comments that may or may not have been made in malice and then turn around and make comments that may insinuate that we are better, stronger, or more deserving of our baby because of our struggle.

Bottom line: All moms love their children something fierce and deserve to be a mom.

Having to do infertility treatments didn't make us moms - having kids did.

We're all real moms.

No matter how we go there.

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I Will Gladly Serve

Last night while reading Raegan her bedtime story from her The Beginner's Bible we read the story of Jesus healing the blind man.

As Jesus was walking along, he saw a man who had been blind from birth. “Rabbi,” his disciples asked him, “why was this man born blind? Was it because of his own sins or his parents’ sins?”

“It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,” Jesus answered. “This happened so the power of God could be seen in him."

My eyes immediately welled up. 

Amazing how God' s word does that to you.

From the beginning I've always said that God's purpose through all of this was so that God's glory could be shown.

We are infertile to bring God glory.

Raegan was born with a cleft palate to bring God glory.

But only if we allow our story to.

Kyle and I could cry and lament about the trials that we've been through and how God has abandoned us in our time of need, which I have felt sometimes, but that's not what God calls us to do.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.

Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.

Proverbs 3:5-6

God calls us to trust in Him with ALL our heart! That has been hard for me at times. It was hard when we lost our baby. I was angry and I was frustrated that He would give us what we had been wanting and take it away just as quickly.

I turned away from God after our loss. I admit it. I didn't want anything to do with Him, but during that time God was molding our story so that His faithfulness would be shown.

Cue Raegan.

She is the definition of God's faithfulness and her story shines His light daily!

I get goosebumps thinking about all of the times that I've been approached by friends who are blown away by our/her story. From the beginning of IVF through her cleft palate repair, God has been present.

I am so proud of my daughter's story. 

I am proud of our infertility journey.

Because in the end, God's glory is what matters. 

And if we can take part in His amazing plan, just a little bit, I will gladly serve.

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100th Post

As I begin writing this post, I noticed that it was the 100th post of this blog.

Wow.

This blog has come a long way.

It began as a blog documenting our life as a married couple.

Then turned into a blog documenting our journey to becoming parents.

A journey that we had no idea would take the road that it did.

We began as "Man and Wife And Two Fur Babies".

This blog documented our journey to Baby Sanderson.

Once our miracle baby arrived, it was time for a new name. I knew I wanted it to be something that could last for the entirety of the blog. That's when "The Mrs. & Co." was born.

I love how far this blog has come.

I love the relationships that have been built through this blog.

Even though most of my readers friends are ladies I have never met, I consider each of you a dear friend! We have been through transfers together, losses together, and births of our miracle babies together. I am so thankful for each of you.

Now for some baby spam. Because in the end, she is the sole purpose of this blog. To document her life and the amazing journey that God took us down to have her.

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Where We Always Fall

Since we began our infertility journey, we have always fallen into the small percentage. 

Whether it was a good or bad thing.

30% chance Kyle's surgery wouldn't work. 

It didn't.

1-5% of getting pregnant on our own.

We did. 

20% chance of miscarrying.

We lost our 1st baby.

1 out of 2000 babies are born with an isolated cleft palate.

Our baby has a cleft palate.

1 out of 14,000 babies' cleft palates are linked to a syndrome called Pierre Robin.

Our baby has isolated Pierre Robin Syndrome.

1-5% chance of having another child with a cleft palate or Pierre Robin.

Only God knows.

I am scared out of my mind for our future children. We saw a geneticist for Raegan and they did genetic testing to rule out any other syndromes that go along with Pierre Robin and a cleft palate.

Her results came back normal.

They tell me not to worry.

But how can I not. Every time someone gives me the "chances" of something and end the statement with "but don't worry it's a small percentage," I can't help but scoff.

I believed what they said so many times and then we would fall into the "small percentage" yet again.

I try not to focus on all of the small percentages we have and may fall into in the future.

Because one of the best percentages we ever fell into, was the 60-70% chance of IVF success.

In the end, she is worth all of it.

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Guest Blogging

Today I am blogging over at Raising Southern Grace. 

I would love for you to stop by and check out Sydney's blog. I promise you won't be disappointed!

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Wasn't Expecting That

Well I wasn't expecting that.

My period.

For the first time in over a year.

I know it had to come back eventually, but since I'm exclusively pumping I didn't expect it to be until way later or possibly not at all and then I'd be possibly pregnant with our second and begin the amazing cycle of no period for another 9 months.

But what I REALLY didn't expect was the emotional reaction I had to it. After so many negative pregnancy tests and so many periods starting when we were praying and hoping for a pregnancy, that SAME feeling came rushing back when this period started. NOT pregnant is what it screamed. Even though we aren't trying, those feelings still rang true. Defeat, anger, sadness. Why? I don't know.

Maybe it's still a reminder that we can't get pregnant. At least not the traditional way. I guess part of me hopes that we will miraculously get pregnant on our own without IVF. Wishful thinking I guess.

I am so thankful for our little miracle, Raegan, and am not taking away from the fact that she was conceived and we have a beautiful daughter, but I also know that I am not going to invalidate the way I'm feeling. The struggle of infertility doesn't go away even after a baby is born. It is part of our life from now until forever.

Now I'm off to Target to buy the necessities.

5

Due Date #1

At first I thought I wouldn't write about our 1st due date, but I firmly believe that God's glory will be brought from all that is lost and I wouldn't be giving God the glory He deserves if I didn't talk about this. Our story is a testament of God's plan for us and looking back over our journey, I wouldn't change a thing, even the heartache and loss.

We found out we were pregnant on July 21, 2013 and lost our baby on July 31, 2013. Petri's (that was baby's nickname) due date was this past Saturday, March 29. For days before Saturday, I thought about how I would feel when the day finally came. It's hard thinking about that baby. Even though we are pregnant now, that 1st pregnancy was such an exciting time for us. It was unexpected and exciting! So different from when we found out we were pregnant from IVF.

I should have been driving home from the hospital around now. I should be holding our baby in my arms. I should be giving him/her kisses on their adorable cheeks. I honestly never thought we would lose a child. After everything we had gone through and then to add a miscarriage on top of it? I was almost to my breaking point. I was angry. I was so angry. I felt like God had turned his back on me and for about 2 months I turned my back on God, but He never turned His back on me. He had a plan the whole time.

It wasn't until I started really thinking about it that it hit me. Our baby Reagan is due July 21, 2014. EXACTLY a year after we found out were pregnancy for the 1st time. God has always had a plan and this is just one more part of our story that I just have to smile.

I know that for us to be pregnant with Reagan now, our sweet Petri had to go to Heaven. Reagan was made for us and I can't wait to meet her, but I will always remember our 1st child. Without that baby, our sweet baby wouldn't be growing inside of me now.

I know when July 21, 2014 comes around this year, it will be one of the most joyous days of our lives just like July 21, 2013 was. I know our sweet Petri will be looking down from Heaven on the day that his (I always thought Petri was a boy) sister is born saying "It's ok mom. I'm here and I'm so excited for my little sister!" God brings joy through sadness and this is no different.

We love you little Petri and I sometimes can see you sitting in God's lap as he tells you all about us and we can't wait to meet you one day. I would be lying if I said it doesn't hurt knowing that I will never hold you in my arms, but I know you are in best arms anyone could ever have wrapped around them.

Love you sweet one.

**sorry for the random ramblings of this post. My heart is a mess of ramblings when I talk about our 1st pregnancy**

4

Our Infertility Journey

I know I've been MIA from the blogging world and I apologize! Some of you even checked in on me and that is so sweet! Baby and I are doing fine and I know I'm SUPER late on my week 12 update, but my computer isn't reading my camera memory card so I'm having to wait for a friend to send me my camera cord that she borrowed. So it's looking like I'm going to have to do week 12, 13, and 14 together! I was super late on week 12's update and tomorrow's is week 13 and my camera cord won't be here for at least a week. Oy vey! So to tied you over till then, here is a picture of our beautiful baby that we got to see on Friday. Look at that little nose! I could just kiss it all day long!

Also, since we started our IVF journey I have been keeping a video diary of our experiences. I got this idea from a friend of mine who also went through IVF. It was her way of sharing their story without crying. Because let's be honest, talking about our experiences and reliving the hell that we have all been through is not something we like to do. So I hope this video gives you some insight into what Kyle and I have been though and also to see our hearts and what we hope God will do through our story.

Thank you again to everyone who checked on me when I didn't post my weekly update :) I promise there will be an update as soon as I get my camera cord!

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