Wasn't Expecting That

Well I wasn't expecting that.

My period.

For the first time in over a year.

I know it had to come back eventually, but since I'm exclusively pumping I didn't expect it to be until way later or possibly not at all and then I'd be possibly pregnant with our second and begin the amazing cycle of no period for another 9 months.

But what I REALLY didn't expect was the emotional reaction I had to it. After so many negative pregnancy tests and so many periods starting when we were praying and hoping for a pregnancy, that SAME feeling came rushing back when this period started. NOT pregnant is what it screamed. Even though we aren't trying, those feelings still rang true. Defeat, anger, sadness. Why? I don't know.

Maybe it's still a reminder that we can't get pregnant. At least not the traditional way. I guess part of me hopes that we will miraculously get pregnant on our own without IVF. Wishful thinking I guess.

I am so thankful for our little miracle, Raegan, and am not taking away from the fact that she was conceived and we have a beautiful daughter, but I also know that I am not going to invalidate the way I'm feeling. The struggle of infertility doesn't go away even after a baby is born. It is part of our life from now until forever.

Now I'm off to Target to buy the necessities.