A blogger friend of mine, Meredith, wrote a blog post that really struck a chord with me and she graciously allowed me to write a version of her post to fit what has been on my heart.
She is a twin mom and she wrote about how she's noticed lately twin moms' feelings of "isolation" have turned to a feeling of "superiority" to singleton moms since they birthed 2, instead of 1. How snide comments like "It must be nice to only have one..." or "You think that sounds like a bad day..." insinuates a twin mom is better, stronger, and more loving than other moms. (even if it wasn't intentional).
And I began thinking. The same thing happens with moms who had to take to infertility treatments to have their children {raising my hand}. Our feelings of "isolation" have turned to feelings of "superiority" since we had to endure so much to have these children. For many of us, we waited years and years to have a child. The longing and wanting of that child{ren} was and is strong. Stronger than anything we ever wanted. Possibly even more so than our naturally conceiving friends.
I have sat silently listening to "friends" say terribly, hurtful comments like "Are you sure you don't just want to take 1 of my kids?" or "I totally understand how you feel. It took us 4 months to get pregnant." These comments hurt. I know they do.
But on the other side, I've also heard comments like "It must be nice to get pregnant in 2 months..." or "You think you had a hard time conceiving..." almost making it sound like we are superior to the moms who conceived naturally.
Please know, I'm just as guilty. Thinking, feeling, and saying the exact same things as my fellow infertile sisters.
But on the other side, I've also heard comments like "It must be nice to get pregnant in 2 months..." or "You think you had a hard time conceiving..." almost making it sound like we are superior to the moms who conceived naturally.
Please know, I'm just as guilty. Thinking, feeling, and saying the exact same things as my fellow infertile sisters.
No one doubts the difficulties we have faced. I've never met anyone who has heard my story and said that I've had it easy or they wished they could go through what we went through. No, they always grab my hand and give me a squeeze as if saying "I'm so sorry". These gestures and comments drive some women crazy, but I don't think we're allowed to have it both ways.
We can't get upset at someone for making comments that may or may not have been made in malice and then turn around and make comments that may insinuate that we are better, stronger, or more deserving of our baby because of our struggle.
Bottom line: All moms love their children something fierce and deserve to be a mom.
Having to do infertility treatments didn't make us moms - having kids did.
We're all real moms.
No matter how we go there.
We're all real moms.
No matter how we go there.
I guess because I am not in the "mom world" yet I haven't really seen this type thing, although I have no doubt it does happen. I will remember this post though for sure :) Everyone is the same no matter how they got there.
ReplyDeleteGuilty! It's hard for me to not pass judgment when I see women take their children for granted. If I see the loving relationship then I feel nothing but happiness for them. I guess I need to with on that.
ReplyDeleteGreat post! I still find when people tell me to just relax it will happen drives me up the all and right back down!! Would they say to someone with cancer the same thing? It's a medical problem... Not a made up problem. We have a diagnosis, relaxing won't change that!
ReplyDeleteYES!!! Thank you for writing this. It gives such a real perspective on what it means to be a mother. I think mothers (or maybe just women in general) have a way of knocking each other down when we should be doing the exact opposite. Great read!
ReplyDeleteGreat post! A great point made for sure! We won't love our children any more than someone who has naturally conceived, we will love them unconditionally and equally, even if it did take a lot of shots and tears and frustration, we don't know everyone's individual story and we can't say that we would be more appreciative or loving parents because it took us years rather than months, etc. nice job girl!
ReplyDeleteIn all reality we need to look at the bigger picture for "every woman". Don't we all have struggles of "something"? Don't we all have bumps in our roads? There is no one exempt from some sort of trials in their lives. Whether it is miscarriage, loss of a loved one, infertility, multiple births, adoption, c-sections, working moms, stay at home moms, etc we generally begin to compare and contrast our lives with those around us. The part about comparing and contrasting one vs the other is the fact it is human nature to place a "versus" between the other; making one a good and one a bad, or one a better or one a worse. It is easy to look at both sides and make a judgement based on personal opinions and emotions. We need to try as "women" to remember we are all on the "same team" we should be cheering others on around us, we are all on the "women" team and as "women" we need to be more loving to each other. My dad always said, "You are not better than anyone else, but you are just as good as anyone else!" In going through this life of many trials and challenges it is great to find others who just "get" what we are going through, sadly there are many who just don't "get" what we go through until they personally go through it themselves.
ReplyDeleteWe all have personal "knowledge" of our own trials, everyone else just has the information we give them. It is only when we receive "knowledge" ourselves, (having it as our own trial) that we truly understand the knowledge and information hand in hand. We need to forgive the ones who only have opinions based on the "information" but lack the "knowledge". Does that make sense?
I can't say I have had your fertility issues, I have had a miscarriage of twins...Do I know exactly how you feel? No, I only have the "information" you gave me, but I can relate it to my own "knowledge" of loss and know that it's pretty devastating to any woman that cannot have a child when that's the only thing they want in this whole world! That we should share in each others trials with compassion, understanding and most of all love!
It's MONDAY everyone :) We all need more LOVE from the "women" on our team! We all need that extra encouragement no matter who we are!! We can help each other when we can use our "knowledge" to try and help process each others "information" it is all in the way we approach it!
Mom shaming has become such a thing hasn't it. In the end, we're all moms, whether we have 1 or 7, or whether we used IVF or not. whether we bottle feed or breast feed. Good for you for writing this post!
ReplyDeleteI love this post- what a great reminder for all of us!! XO
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this post. As a mom who didn't have infertility problems - I have often struggled with the judgement by friends who have or are struggling. I am VERY sensitive to this and my heart breaks every month with them when there is a negative test but it has been difficult for me to enjoy my pregnancies and births and then my newborn and toddler trials and tribulations with this guilt hanging over our heads. Just as I am sure it is often difficult to always remain positive when you have had a child... I couldn't agree more - we are all real moms x
ReplyDeleteI don't ever consider myself any better than those who had to use fertility drugs to get pregnant. Why does that matter? I sometimes feel guilty telling people that it took us 5 seconds to get pregnant and that we are super fertile because then comments like ' you shouldn't complain' or 'at least it happened to you'. We all have a story and I do consider myself blessed with highly fertile uterus but it's all in God's hands after all.
ReplyDeleteBe blessed!
Happy Medley
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