I just can't help it

When we got pregnant in November I didn't realize the emotions I would feel with a pregnancy after a loss. I lost our first baby on July 31, 2013 at about 7pm. I was getting ready to go to dinner with 2 of my dearest friends. I had been cramping since about noon and the cramping continued to get worse as the day went on. I had called my doctor's office and they said it was all normal and to call back if I started bleeding, which didn't start until 7pm. I was alone. Kyle was at work. I immediately called him crying so hard he could barely understood me, but he knew. His response to my cry was "I'm coming."

How could this happen? We had JUST shared the news with all of our family which is about 75 people! Both of our parents are 1 of 4 or 5 siblings so we have TONS of aunts and uncles and cousins. How was I going to handle telling everyone that I had lost the baby? Thankfully I had a cousin on both sides of my family that handled telling everyone and Kyle's parents handled his family.

I texted my RE (yes, he gave me his cell number if I ever needed anything, one more reason I love him) and he said for me to come in the morning for blood work to confirm the miscarriage and if the bleeding got worse to go to the nearest ER. I don't know if I should have ever gone to the ER that night. The pain got worse and so did the bleeding. It just wouldn't stop and every time I went to the restroom it was a constant reminder that my baby was no longer inside me. A miscarriage includes labor. Yes, it's alot shorter and not as intense because your body is not pushing out a full size baby, but it's still the same concept. Your body is pushing out what's inside you. It was very hard for Kyle to watch me lay there, obviously in pain, and he couldn't do anything. He kept asking if we should go to the hospital. I told him I was not going to pay money for them to tell me what I knew was already happening. I finally resorted to a vicodin. I knew what was happening and knew it couldn't hurt the baby that wasn't there anymore. I finally was able to relax and fall asleep.

The next 2 weeks included many blood tests to watch my HCG levels drop. Thankfully it only took about a week and a half for it to reach zero and I only bled for about a week. I had heard stories of women bleeding for 2-6 weeks and I couldn't bare the idea of being reminded of the loss. I was lucky.

This post was supposed to be about being pregnant after a loss, but I've never written about our loss. Maybe that will help me enjoy this pregnancy, because honestly I am scared. So scared that for the first 2-3 weeks of this pregnancy I was CONVINCED I was losing the baby. Thank the Lord that my RE and nurses were so understanding and let me come in many times for blood work and sonograms to make sure baby was doing alright, which it was, every single time.

I am tired of being told not to worry. Especially by people who have never had a loss. They just don't get that I can't help it. My body is reacting to the feelings it's hard before. The cramping I have now from my uterus growing and making room for our sweet angel are the same cramps I felt the night I lost our baby. Spotting I had on the day I lost our baby was the same spotting I had during weeks 6-8.

I try not to let it bother me, but women who have dealt with infertility and loss are very sensitive and I wish every person would understand that. I guess I can't expect that from everyone.

Every week that passes and every time I get to see our baby, I feel better. I pray that I'll eventually be able to enjoy the pregnancy, but for now, I just need people to cut me some slack. Stop telling me "not to worry", but instead tell me " I understand why you're worried. It's ok and I'm here for you".

Praying for peace.